Blogging in Secret: An Apostate Whispers to the West

December 26, 2011

A former Muslim, an apostate living in secret in a Muslim country, blogs clandestinely:

This Is What Islam Does to You

I was born in a very typical Sunni Muslim household, not very conservative like the Arabs, but nevertheless religious enough. I was born in Karachi, Pakistan to a very respectable Mohajjir family (mohajjirs are immigrants from India from the time of the partition in 1947). I moved to another Muslim country with my parents when I was just 10 years old and still live there.

I really wish there were a way I could freely live in a free society where I could follow the religion that I want without any compulsion. So far, I am not really sure what I am. I just know that I am not an atheist, because I do believe in a God, but that God cannot be the Allah of Mohammed. God is kind and merciful, not evil, cruel, mean and sadistic, as is Allah.

Have you ever read the Quran in English? I never did, I mean all my life I just recited the Quran in Arabic without understanding a single word until August of this year, when I purchased a copy of the English Quran and read the translation for the first time. Previously I had read some parts of it in English, but never the whole thing. But this year in August I read it from cover to cover, and then also read other references on the internet. Then I finally reached the conclusion that this book is the most evil thing on the face of this earth. It teaches nothing else except hatred and violence. I can no longer be a part of a cult which subjugates its followers, making them mere blind puppets with no mind of their own.

During the course of last four months, I have done nothing else but read, read and read. I spend hours a day reading Ali Sina and watching videos of David Wood and others who are trying their best to expose Islam to the world. I read 23 Years by Ali Dashti. The best among them all is Ali Sina's Understanding Muhammad and of course Robert Spencer’s The Truth About Muhammad. These kind of books are banned here, but I managed to find Robert’s book on Ibook, so I purchased it and just finished reading it yesterday.

I don't know how to go about it. I mean, I want to remain anonymous, but at the same time I need help. I don't want to be killed just because I am brave enough to tell the truth. I am really in a terrible jam. I do not want to lose my life just because I do not believe in that evil religion anymore.

Last Sunday I went to the church here and attended the mass. Then I went to see the priest and asked him for help. He said that his hands were tied and he really could not do anything to help me, because when they had first gotten permission to built a church in this country, they had to agree to a few terms and conditions with the government here. One of them was not to convert anyone from Islam. He said if anyone finds out, the church would be closed and he would probably end up in jail.

The priest said he could not help me personally, but that I was more than welcome to attend the mass and sit quietly at the back. He said, “Do not talk to anyone or reveal who you are.” It is a good idea, but frankly, I am not sure if I want to do that every week, because last Sunday I saw quite a few police cars circling the church premises, and I am really scared. What if someone checks my ID or something? They would probably close down the church and put me in jail, and maybe even execute me. My life will be in danger if anyone finds out that I have left Islam.

I have a friend, a pretty young girl from Morocco who also lives here and works with me. She too has given up Islam recently but she is also very afraid of her life. This is what Islam does to you. When you are in it, your life is nothing but living in the fear of hell, and once you leave it, it is not less than hell because you are constantly scared to lose your life.

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